Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Jan 2nd 2011. Revisited.

Have you ever woken up some morning and wondered "what the fuck am I doing?" Well New Years Eve 2010 was that day for me. The last day of the year. Get rid of the bullshit. That was the day I wished I could hide/cover up/forget/regret/solve the problems I had been through that year. I always thought I would be okay. Well in fact I knew it. There are moments when you need to be selfish. I needed to cry. I cherish those moments just as much as I wished they didn't exist. My self worth has changed and I am trying so hard to remember the advice I give to my friends. "What can you do if you've done all you can?" Change yourself just to be happy for what? A few hours? Days? Months? What's the point? Bad things are inevitable. Bound to happen. Now is the time where I learn what I want. Weed through the bullshit. Right now my heart wants to be with someone. Someone who doesn't want it. Well I am beginning to be okay with that. Why waste my time trying to convince someone that they love me? Why not find someone who does want it? Like my friends and family. The people who want my company. The people who I don't have to fight to get attention from. This is what I need to focus on for now. Getting back to me. Focus on me! I am becoming more aware of who I am becoming. Stay strong. The more I love myself the more of me there is for someone else to love. Like the stupid saying "How can someone love you if you don't love yourself?"
My New Years ended up being a lot of fun. I finally was able to start a year of great. It's nice to think this could be my year. Haha probably just jinxed it.
Have you ever believed that if you didn't do something or say something, maybe things would be different? Maybe, just maybe things would have worked out for you? Superstitions. I think they are stupid, yet I do question it before I snap back into reality. Mind games are for the weak-minded. I want honesty. Truth. Faith (not the religious sense). The feeling of security. No more wondering what could be happening. I just want love. I want the fairytale. Who am I kidding though? Those people don't exist. The ones who can be that person, usually don't want to be. Great. Negative Nancy coming out. I hate being bitter from being denied. Why can't they see what I see? My point of view. Because that would be too easy! Of course. Duh.

I feel like I am blabbering. Sorry I didn't proof read this after writing it (Yes! I wrote with a pen and paper first on this one). This is again me just dumping all the shit that has been in my head. Now time for people to understand? Hmmmm... probably not the right word. Now is the time for people to... well just read. Yup take it all in.



  1. shit, the problem with the fairytale is, most often when people get what they want they turn and run from it. now i am being a negative nancy, but seriously, i have seen it so many times.

  2. Oh trust me. I completely understand that. Shit, I've done it 3 times. It's like I am hoping to be chased when I push something away. But it doesn't happen and then I feel like I've fucked up. But maybe that is something inside telling me to let go. It's not the right one?