A day gone by.

Well so much to catch up on. This once mid twenty something has had a now almost two years old. No, not married of course. Just surviving. A day to day life in my world seems to have shriveled to not much more than stressing, breathing, eating (a lot) and loving this small being I've created. She's incredible. The kind of love I've always wanted. Eternal, endless, fearless. Nothing can or ever will surpass that.

Now dealing with the skeletons in my closet. I've hidden myself from the outside world hoping that each day would just go by. But I can't just let it go by. Not for her sake. He's taken it to a whole new level. Abuse. Abusive. Ahhh the dreaded word. He wonders why I don't want to love him. Coming home drunk, wasting what little money we have. For what? Nothing. Selfishness. He doesn't ask how my days are. Or how I'm feeling. He doesn't care. It's always about him. Get this! He thinks he's the greatest thing on earth! Imagine that. Oh, what it must be like to be him! On top of the world!
But instead of being humble, and a caring father he's wasting precious moments drinking. Flirting. Being disgusting. I love this man. Don't get me wrong. I just wish he was the same man I first met. The man who was a great father, and partner.

We used to be a team.

Unexpected.

I couldn't be more excited about the changes in my life. If only now I could be inspired to write about it.

Routine.

So I am sitting in bed, chatting with a friend about stupid shit. He seems down on his luck, which inspired me. I told him to do something that makes him happy. Quit his routine. Do something new. This is what inspired me tonight. Well today. Whatever. So why is it that people get stuck in ruts? Why do we do the same thing over and over and expect for things to get better. Or change? We are in complete and utter control over what we do in life, right? I mean unless your parents or religion or whatever tell you what to do everyday, you pretty much can do whatever. So take control. Take a step out of the box. I know how hard it is to feel comfortable doing something you aren't used to. I am trying to do it everyday. Take a different route to work. Get something done I have been meaning to do. I am so sick and tired of being lonely. Waiting for my life to change itself. Who am I kidding? Why have I just sat here and waited so long for someone to sweep me off my feet? There is no way in hell that is going to happen if I continue to sit on the couch smoking weed and not showering for a few days. Get real, Morgan. I need to fix the things about myself I am not happy with and get out there. Smell the fresh air. Hah! I should consider motivational speaking. I must sound ridiculous! Okay, okay, really now, back to the serious stuff. All I need is a little motivation. What is better than ME as the motivation? I can go out and not have one bad thing happen to me. You know why? It's because I don't want to let anything ruin my fun. And that is all it takes. Hah! Give that a week and ask me again. But for now I feel confident in myself that life is better than some perceive it to be, or at least how I used to perceive it.


This whole writing thing seems to be some sort of gateway to really releasing some bottled up emotion. I don't know what sparked this, but I am sure as hell glad it happened. Good night.

Don't get carried away.

So I want everyone to know that what is in my head, isn't meant to be taken bad or wrong. This is a place for me to open a window in my head for you to see in. I don't want anyone to think I am making decisions or life changes via a blog. That is stupid. My head works in a complicated manner. I consider myself an over analyzer. Which means, my brain is constantly trying to solve problems. Life problems. MY life problems. The way I solve these problems is by blabbering about nothing until I feel that I have found my answer. Which may take minutes, or years. Like I said in my first post, I am trying to figure everything out. Which means nothing. Writing all this nothingness down is making it easier to decipher what things I am being ridiculous about and what things are really bothersome. There are times where I just need to vent and have nothing said back. Thus, why I am not talking to people. No offense, friends. Though there will be times where I need a human insight. Trust me. It will happen often. For now, I am just freeing some trapped thoughts.

Jan 2nd 2011. Revisited.

Have you ever woken up some morning and wondered "what the fuck am I doing?" Well New Years Eve 2010 was that day for me. The last day of the year. Get rid of the bullshit. That was the day I wished I could hide/cover up/forget/regret/solve the problems I had been through that year. I always thought I would be okay. Well in fact I knew it. There are moments when you need to be selfish. I needed to cry. I cherish those moments just as much as I wished they didn't exist. My self worth has changed and I am trying so hard to remember the advice I give to my friends. "What can you do if you've done all you can?" Change yourself just to be happy for what? A few hours? Days? Months? What's the point? Bad things are inevitable. Bound to happen. Now is the time where I learn what I want. Weed through the bullshit. Right now my heart wants to be with someone. Someone who doesn't want it. Well I am beginning to be okay with that. Why waste my time trying to convince someone that they love me? Why not find someone who does want it? Like my friends and family. The people who want my company. The people who I don't have to fight to get attention from. This is what I need to focus on for now. Getting back to me. Focus on me! I am becoming more aware of who I am becoming. Stay strong. The more I love myself the more of me there is for someone else to love. Like the stupid saying "How can someone love you if you don't love yourself?"
My New Years ended up being a lot of fun. I finally was able to start a year of great. It's nice to think this could be my year. Haha probably just jinxed it.
Have you ever believed that if you didn't do something or say something, maybe things would be different? Maybe, just maybe things would have worked out for you? Superstitions. I think they are stupid, yet I do question it before I snap back into reality. Mind games are for the weak-minded. I want honesty. Truth. Faith (not the religious sense). The feeling of security. No more wondering what could be happening. I just want love. I want the fairytale. Who am I kidding though? Those people don't exist. The ones who can be that person, usually don't want to be. Great. Negative Nancy coming out. I hate being bitter from being denied. Why can't they see what I see? My point of view. Because that would be too easy! Of course. Duh.

I feel like I am blabbering. Sorry I didn't proof read this after writing it (Yes! I wrote with a pen and paper first on this one). This is again me just dumping all the shit that has been in my head. Now time for people to understand? Hmmmm... probably not the right word. Now is the time for people to... well just read. Yup take it all in.

-M

Me.

Just to start this whole thing off properly, here is a few minor details about me, no one will probably care about.
I am a mid-twenty year old girl, born and raised in Portland. I have a lackluster relationship with my family and my friends are the ones I turn to for support. Hah. The ones I usually turn to, have no idea about life and basically just tell me what I want to hear. Nothing wrong with that, right? So I tend to listen to my gut when I am in need of advice. First instinct is usually right. Well, so they say. They. Pssh. Let me rephrase that. Well, so some someone, probably a long time ago, said. So I am just past the first quarter of my life and trying to figure everything out. Trying to be the one who figures it all out. I know that isn't going to come close to happening. Anywho, I am a terrible writer. I write things down they way I would say them. My grammar is terrible, so please forgive me. Where was I? Oh yes. Me. So like I said I am trying to figure everything out in my life and with that comes love, friendship and all the other bullshit life throws at people. I have some amazing people in my life, and I look up to most of them. They are great people who have dealt with things I haven't and some things I have. In the past what... 5 years? Hmm... sounds about right... okay so 5 years I have dated (really dated) 3 people. All three I thought I loved. Then in the end... all three were ended by me. All three I regret breaking it off with. But you know what, this is a point in my life where I am learning to not regret things. Learn and move on. So this is why I am here right now. Writing to all the people who may stumble across this. I hope someone will get some sort of help/entertainment/distraction whatever you want this to be. Ultimately I just need to write down what my head has been hanging on to for the past 25 years.

-M